Heat the oven to 375°F. Line a large rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper.
Wearing food-safe gloves, halve the jalapeños lengthwise. Scoop out the seeds and pale ribs, then pat the peppers dry.
If needed for attaching the eyes, reserve about 1 teaspoon of the softened cream cheese. Mix the remaining cream cheese with the cheddar, garlic powder, onion powder, and pepper. Stir in the optional green onion or cooked bacon.
Divide the filling among the pepper halves, keeping it approximately level with the cut edges. Do not force excess filling into small peppers.
Unroll the cold crescent dough. Pinch the seams closed if using crescent rolls. Cut into strips about 1/4 inch wide.
Wrap each filled pepper with about two strips, trimming as needed. Cross the strips loosely, tuck the ends around the sides, and leave a gap near the wider end for the eyes. Avoid thick layers of overlapping dough.
Beat the egg with the water. Lightly brush the exposed dough with the egg wash.
Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, checking at 18 minutes, until the dough is golden and cooked through, the filling hot, and the peppers tender but still holding their shape.
Rest for about 5 minutes. Add two eyes to each pepper, using tiny dots of reserved cream cheese if needed. Serve warm.