Face To Face With Truth

Truth. I love food!

That’s a given considering the BIGGEST part of my life is now cooking, baking, and sharing my love for delicious creations.! However, I was not always this way.

January 1, 2019 – Yogi student 1: “How do you eat ALL that and look the way you do? How do you do it? Like where was all this blog and social media hiding 3 years ago?!”

My answer: “Everything is a work in progress.”

Long before I knew any food beyond fast food and Ramen noodles, I was an athlete who was built at 175 pounds high school senior year. I was never the thin girl growing up, but I didn’t even consider looks because I was too busy playing sports year around. Always on the road, weekend tournaments, basketball, softball, soccer, dance, track, volleyball, all of which I enjoyed up to my senior year of high school.

I met my first “real” boyfriend at 17 years old in my senior year of high school. Late bloomer, I know, I know, but like daddy says, “There is no time for boy’s!”

We became inseparable. Even after high school into college. He was my best friend. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, holding hands walking down the street, just gawking over one another. We could just look at each other and we would start busting out in a belly laugh. You know, the kind were you can’t breathe and you instantly feel like you should have a six pack from the insane burn in your core? That kind of young love is what we had.

Unfortunately, he found someone new without me knowing. Heartbroken. The girl he chose over me was beautiful, talented, skinnier than me, everything I felt I wasn’t she was. I was devastated.

Everything happened so quickly I was unsure how my life spiraled out of control by the end of my first year in college. I ate my emotions and then purged them back up. I was bulimic at the age of 19. I went from a girl who was 175 pounds, 5’8” down to my thinnest at 120. I was aware that what I was doing was not healthy nor good for my body. I used food as a way to comfort myself and figured I wasn’t going to keep it in my body so I’ll eat a whole carton of ice cream, why not?

That was the start and lasted for years. Of course wounds heal but I was less than impressed when I gained 5 pounds back. At 125 I had to figure out how to use the drawstring in my Nike running shorts because I never needed it before. I became obsessed with the number on the scale. I would purge when there was only water in my system so I could fit into my size 00 skirt. Mentally and physically I was tortured. I had some self awareness when a friend of mine said, “Hey the white’s in your eyes aren’t red today!” Ummmm, what? My exact reaction to her statement. I had some self awareness when I understood clearly what she meant after she repeated it again. The excessive force has busted blood vessels in the white part of my eyes, they now were all 3 colors of the American flag. Red, white, and blue. I was sick with a cold for a full week and she came to check up on me in my dorm after I missed 3 days of classes. Didn’t eat much those days so no wonder she noticed. I probably looked less sick to her while actually being sick with a nasty virus.

Embarrassed and mortified I knew there needed to be an end to this. Of course, not everything happens at once. It took time, hard work on my part, and dedication to a strict diet that I could make a lifestyle. That is what all this blog, my social media, my job, what I stand for represents. Balance. A lifestyle, not a temporary fix for a weight program gaining or loosing.

I made a lifestyle change. I knew my sweet tooth would never give up so I had to learn how to balance that with healthier food choices. I bought cook books, pots and pan, and started to cook for myself. I even bought spices and baking supplies. Who even knew cocoa powder wasn’t sweet? See….I am telling you, I am self-taught from scratch!

I put my body, the only one I will ever have, through a lot. It was a struggle but I only battled myself. I was an addict. I didn’t know how to stop. It took a long time and discipline to own up to my own truth. The past 4 years have really been the most educational rewriting my own rules regarding health. The importance of nutrition, the importance of exercise, the important of mental stability. Today, 4 years without a single desire to step back into the shoes I once stumbled in, I live victoriously. I have accomplish a healthy balance between eating colorful healthy food and indulging appropriately.

I have mentioned in my Instagram stories as well as my Facebook page stories that I eat whatever I want. If I want cake I’ll eat it. If I want the whole piece I am going to eat the whole piece. I am not a body builder, I am not vegan, dairy-free, gluten-free, paleo, whole-30. I am me living my best life each day celebrating the foods I have learned to love that nourish my body in a way that fuels my mind and warms my soul.

I am real. I am a person. I started out loosing weight in an unhealthy way, truth. For the first time, in 2 years, I stepped on the scale last week weighing in at a healthy 133 pounds,truth. The only way I know I gain and lose weight is my jeans. I have 2 sizes, when I can’t fit into one I move to the next. That is when I know I have had a lot of fun but time to take a step back and balance my diet.

I feel when people look at me the majority response is:

1. “You are fit!”
2. “I bet you can eat whatever you want!”
3. “You must be an athlete….”

All these are awesome to hear but there is a big reason behind I am the way I am. I never want to go back to the person I was. I have overcome one of the biggest challenges I have ever put myself through.

To concluded…..

No, I was not the person to ever hear anything of those 3 things I listed above. I worked for everything I have now and it was war. I have turned my life around but still indulge in the sweeter side of life. I feel I am self certified in nutrition because the amount of knowledge I have gained about food over the course of my health journey. I learned it is okay to eat whatever I want but in moderation. Nor do I even crave anything remotely fat anymore. I just love to spend my fat calories on baked goodies 😉

Last year was H*** for me. I gained 10-12 pounds back and then lost it with the education I have given myself through the rough years. A balance diet is a healthy diet. The term diet doesn’t necessarily mean cutting back or putting in, it means to me the type of lifestyle I choose to have. My lifestyle diet is eat healthy and sinfully indulging whenever I want. Sure, I have week’s were all I eat is desserts. No lie. But then I know I will balance that out with health meals or meal prep for that next week.

Dear Dairy,

I was never the girl who was in shape. It was a long road to transition into the person I am today. For me to sit here and think back about how much ice-cream I ate last week without even stressing over it… I would say I am completely healed. Truth.

My personal victory I share with you.