I didn’t forget to post last week. I was on a mission to secure my sanity.
Through the many months there seemed to be no end in sight. No light behind the huge wall I created for myself. I have been soul searching the past few weeks. One thing I do know is I am stronger than ever imagined.
There is always an end near no matter the challenge or obstacle. I utilize my sources (family) to encourage my desire and remind me why I do the things I do. I wanted so badly to give up on everything this week. My jobs, including my blog, social media, cut off every connection I had. Terrible and sad things to say. But that is what happens when I let depression soak into my cells.
The cell wall is what protects the nucleus, the core of the cell. My cell wall is the world around me. I choose to let in what I want and when I want. Unfortunately this past week I have found myself letting everything attack my outer layer and brain wash everything I thought I knew about myself.
When I don’t know myself is when I start believing false statements. I allow outside thoughts to invade the center of my heart. What I know in my heart versus what I see or hear are inaccurate depictions of reality.
Truth: I lost who I was. False: I see what I am in the mirror. I know I am not the only one who is a “people pleaser”. I love being social and ensuring everyone is happy. The movie Elf I think the character Buddy says something along the lines of “I like smiling, smiling is my favorite!” I laugh every time because smiling and happiness is contagious. Well, it can be when I surround myself with people who feel the same way.
That is where I saw myself at the edge of a cliff this past week. Do I stay stuck at the edge with an outside force torturing me to look out at the incredible view of what life can be? Or do I take a leap of faith and pray for the best? One of the most difficult and easiest decisions at the same time. It is never fun making a selfish decision unless it comes with a fear of struggle.
I am currently parasailing half down to Earth again ready to hit the ground running and regain control of what I once was.
I felt the high when I lost a 1/4-inch off my waistline just in 3 weeks! Never would I have thought I had to DIET! In 10 months and counting I lost who I was. Physically and mentally. Now I am high flying, nothing can touch me. Nor will I let it.
The root of my emotions came from and external source. One that tore down my wall of inner peace and infected the pit of my brain. Never, ever, it is acceptable to let something so strong weakness my knees. It tells me I lost who I was. I did not know the foundation of my true self due to the lack of strength from daily beat downs. I look in the mirror and the direct reflection was an immediately emotional breakdown between how other people spoke towards me. Why? Because I was too vulnerable and put myself in every way behind me to please others. Nothing is return was the hardest to accept and then the easiest to walk away from.
Surround myself around those who are just like me bring such joy and laughter. Instantly boosting my mood…and chocolate, of course. But the decision to jump away from my biggest fear breaks my heart but the triumph is the happiness I have gained.
Y’all, my journal this week is a victorious milestone. It is a time when I realize I have the power to choose.
There is always an end in sight with a new view waiting for you to soar through. Just jump.
